Dude wants to deliver improved nutrition for the vulnerable? Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). But thats the best I can think of that might be of some help. But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. I have many fond memories of him. Im severely disabled, so maintaining social links is tougher. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. Im glad the accidentally-posted link might be of use to you, and Im sorry that youre dealing with stuff similar to Drownings letter. We love each other and were helping each other feel better. Speaking of unconventional food pairings The Peanut-Butter and Bacon sandwich is a surprisingly delicious comfort-food combo (I like to toast the bread and add a dash of worcestershire sauce). LW, whatever you chose to do today is enough. My therapist and I called this Shoulding all over me. Either he doesnt realize how much of a Ricardo Cabeza hes being and will totally back off when you state your boundaries, or hell double down and youll know that hed much rather be a Helper and Fixer than actually love you for you right now. (Ive blogged about this a bit and will give you links if you want.) If nothing changes, then its time to decide whether this is something you can live with or not. and exercise a few years ago. If you were kind of hiding from them because you were depressed and have shame about how long its been, let it go. Hooo yes. I still (as of right now) have hair pulling issues, and a few days ago i mangled a zit on my forehead, but it doesnt come with that looped soundtrack of badbadbadbadbad means if I so it I dont feel guilty and ashamed, which means I dont do do it more, to punish myself for being a fuckup, because now I know Im not. He had money and I didnt. Well. Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. Finally I flat out refused. Validation. LW, if you want the thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend, mine are: Your boyfriend isnt concerned about you. Point out to your boyfriend that he's not her savior and doesn't need to ride to her rescue. But as things progressed, he developed this habit of picking me up and driving me someplace without telling me where we were going, because it was a surprise. 19 times out of 20, it would be one of the handful of places we always went, but that 1 time in 20, it would be something special. The only trouble is, he was far more of a night owl than me, so these special events werent always to my taste and would keep me up hours later than I was comfortable with. Dynamitochondria, I really have nothing useful to add to that link, except I have been there, and it sucks. but its not like, oh man, now that I exercise I never feel sad! Some of the things the LW mentioned (such as helping with chores) certainly could affect the boyfriend, while there are other things (the LWs exercise and food intake) that do NOT affect the boyfriend. Consider the ways in which your frustration with not receiving enough attention from your partner has made you more critical of . The fact that you said, complete with arm-flailing inflatable tube-men and blinky neon arrows, Hey, your helpyness is actually making my depression worse/making it harder for me to make changes, and HE DOUBLED DOWN makes me worried and also kind of like I want to smack him with a dead fish on your behalf (Im a whitefish knight, har de har har). (Ice cream, breakfast for dinner, weird thing you like that he doesnt like. This is a guy who hasnt figured out how to be kind and supportive in even the most basic ways. May I just say that I love the analogy of a starter husband the one that makes you learn what to look out for next time. He means well is one of those phrases that is just full of NOPE. Walking is brilliant (assuming you have the spoons and physical ability to do it) its gentler on your joints than a lot of other cardio, you dont need special clothing, and its free. It is possible that he can be moved out of the fixer mode, but, if he stays in fixer mode then nothing will ever be enough. What does your therapist say about the way your boyfriend tries to continually act as your self-appointed monitor/life coach? Sometimes its not that he doesnt want to make an effort, but rather that his life is just too busy and chaotic right now. I have a friend who often makes himself go to social outings, because hes noticed the pattern within himself that he usually feels like bailing and not going when an event is about to happen, but if he makes himself go, he usually has a good time and is glad that he did. After a week or so of adjusting, you can figure out how you feel on your own. Also the related ones of oh, everyone feels like that [i.e. He may have been okay when you were at your most down, but now that youre working with a therapist and coming out of the dark hole you were in, now that youre building your own confidence, motivation and self-respect, hes starting to sound like the sort of asshole who pulls himself up by putting you down. What then should you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort? Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? I feel like this self-help book is the equivalent of the biggest Fight Club on earth. These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation. When I was in a very similar situation, my ex could talk for days about how my not meeting his standards affected him. Before my last relationship ended I spent *a lot* of time online reading advice and trying to fix stuff. Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. Hlep is that thing that looks like help and is presented in a context that would normally surround helpuntil you blink and look again and realize that it isnt help at all. My ex did this. . So even if what LW does affected her bf a lot (and it doesnt), the two of them putting themselves in the position of BF polices LW is bad for both of them. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1. Whether its work, school, friends, or something else entirely that is causing him so much stress and concern that he cant even find the time to put in at least some kind of minimal effort for his girlfriend, put yourself in his shoes and be understanding. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! What can I do for them?, Im sad because the person I love is being sad at me, and it would be so much easier if they were happy. Rest days are a vital part of an exercise routine. I can love him, help him in the ways he asks to be helped, but not drown alongside him. How does this affect you will work on a reasonable person. managed to pollute both the minds and the bodies of the American people, but he meant well. And you know what? What causes these fights in the first place? Basically, when my brain is yelling at me, but what if he gets worse?!? When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. My jaded self is all "Flee! We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. Flags! Ashlyn Cook, 25, appeared in Kalgoorlie Magistrates Court on Monday where she . Doesnt mean partners have to stay, or even should stay. Or is he expecting you to just bootstrap your way to optimal nutrition and well being? At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. Youre a real person. Much, MUCH kinder and gentler he always phrased things as suggestions, and he would never say that something I said was the stupidest thing Ive ever heard because thats mean and also I would dump him. Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. That looks like progress to me. I can tilt my head to one side and see a boyfriend that this LW needs to dump *yesterday* because all hes doing is trying to build his ideal partner out of what he believes is some kind of nascent state that can go in any direction, like a bunch of stem cells. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. During that time, I had a b/f who sounds a lot like your b/f he knew that if only I would do X, Y, Z and Q things that he specifically told me to do in the way and with the frequency that he specifically dictated, Id feel so much better! I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. So boyfriend needs to read up on stuff about mental health issues PRONTO. If so, should I remind you in the morning? For example, the LWs partner can say, Hey, want to play tag with me later?, want to go kite-flying?, Lets make smoothies!, Shall we tape sponges to our feet today and pretend were in a roller derby? or insert other fun thing here that gets the job done. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch. All good things. He didnt like the way I went to the gym when we went together. Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! He is mad at you for not being good enough he wants you to feel like you have to earn his affection. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. When its not great, things like this are no longer handled delicately If hes yelling at you over small things, there is no way his head is still in it. When I have the house to myself for a few days, I like to use some of the time for cooking experiments. If Im down in the dumps, a few minutes skipping rope can make me feel better as can a cup of ginger tea instead of reaching for a soda BUT these are temporary fixes and no substitute for dealing with the real issues. Oh LW, you are so strong to have come so far and I know the Captain and Awkward Army are all rooting for you whatever you decide. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? What do I do? 2. Theres also a significant element of what he wants/feels entitled to in there. 4. He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. This was where I got very concerned. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? And I am proud of him for taking a step toward being healthier. If you hold the partner responsible for that anger and try to change them, its not going to help anyone. They threaten to break up with you all the time. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. It seems to be the get-out-of-jail-free card for everyones tactless remarks and dumbass behaviour. This means that if you purchase a product through the link, we get a small commission at no cost to you. It doesnt sound like the boyfriend is helping the LW at all in this area; if anything, hes making changing food and exercise habits into a huge source of stress. He comes on strong. Forgive me, but I get the feeling from your letter that its the latter. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. #687: My boyfriend wont stop trying to fix me. I cant leave my house very much. And really, your joy is important. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. That doesnt. It may well be correct that he loves her, and it may well be correct that *part* of his motivation is to help her do what he knows she wants to do. But I have vivid memories of having take-out chinese one night, then reheated leftovers the next, with soup from the freezer a third night, back in the day. Its something weve learned. I live on the other side of this equation. And if he wont respect boundaries, keeps behaving like this? And it is reasonable to want people who are important in your life to be supportive and helpful. The first impression is good and you two exchange numbers. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. . They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. Many, possibly even most, of us find that a bit of exercise can be a mood brightener when were feeling especially low. So if your partner was discussing ending the relationship because you were depressed and not in therapy/not taking medication/not engaging in self-care, that would be a reasonable reaction. I was in a relationship like this! He is avoiding it. Exactly. When you were sick, it was probably easy for him to get you to do what he wanted. Im so frustrated that youre hurting, and that I cant do more to help your recovery. Reasonable. Youre going to hear things like thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. Youre going to hear back all the times youve expressed vulnerability or dissatisfaction with your life as proof that you cant possibly make decisions about anything. That there is no end in sight, no real goal. When things improve, can the caretaker let go and not calcify your roles into The Helper and The One Who Needs Help? Excessively monitoring and correcting a partner (with the silent treatment, no less!) A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. LW, heres the thing about our Jerkbrains: theyre jerks. What would be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely? If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: Im so angry that you have cancer; its unfair and I hate to see you suffering. Reasonable. I dont know if I would have reached the threshold for clinical depression since I never did the therapy thing, but my self care was pretty pathetic and I wasnt working or studying enough. He explains that his current girlfriend has a dog that she kept after she and her ex broke up. Have trouble concentrating to work? "And if . 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. Dont be ashamed of using a coping method that works for you, just try and do it safely, and know that I will never be upset with you for whatever you need to do. He says I'm too negative and I have no friends and I'm not self sufficient. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. You still get to decide whether you like him. You can also find out through careful observation of his actions. I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. Even though I cant even do hosting as much as Id like and my home is a bit of a mess. Your boyfriend may have felt secure with you because, in his head, you had low self exsteem and would not look for someone better than him. The author begins by explaining that he is currently dating a woman who he's been with for some time. Without the receptive, captive audience, it isnt nearly as much fun for him. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. He seems to be sorry for everything these days. Not that I recommend my way. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? It doesnt matter whether he hasnt ridden in a month or he did so a couple of days ago. And doing more productive self care is often incredibly hard. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better. A very strange conversation with the chatbot built into Microsoft's search engine led to it declaring its love for me. He both wanted me to look up to him, admire him, and follow his lead, and for me to be a more confident, assertive person who dressed sexier, partied heartier, and loved to dance. What was it that made him stop putting in the work? But I do also think the LW is getting quite enough You should from their boyfriend. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. It can help to be accountable, and say to someone else hey, Im having trouble doing this Thing, so can you help me by setting a time to do Thing together?, but only if this is a need *you* have identified, and its *your* solution that youre asking to put in place. Im going to read it again as soon Im done with this comment. Just looking at those two sentences beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound. And I think the reason for that might be that he doesnt understand depression AT ALL. 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